The Wheel

So yesterday I woke up and hoped Brownie was dead. All I wanted out of the day was simply the death of our oldest and most loved pet. And when I asked mom she said no. And then she said "Wait, did you say is she dead?" and I say "Yep.." and she says "Oh, I thought you asked 'Is Brownie better?'". She died at 9:45pm because that swelling basically closed her throat. A terrible and slow way to go.. She was twelve years old, and I'll miss the hell out of her.

At least she's free now.

Yesterday I woke up because my fan went off (which means the sweat quits drying and the room crawls from 92 degrees up to 98 degrees). Through the wall I could hear mom say that she thought it was a brown-out, which at that point was better than my first thought that my fan was dying. Turns out it was a brown-out, but the low energy flow during it fried one of our breakers, which took my room, the laundry room, the kitchen and the hallway all offline. So I got to spend some time resituating my room to mostly run off of one extension cord.

Right now my brother's son is here for summer vacation, as specified in the custody agreement. Except when his vindictive and evil mom tried to call us and got no answer due to our phones being shut off, she decided that if we can't afford phones then we can't afford to have him here for the summer. Our phones were off at the time, but now we've got two pay-as-you-go phones. Apparently us getting rid of our too-expensive phones (a rare holdover from before my dad died, anyway) was enough for her to sic DHS on us. And they'll take my nephew, because when we got evicted we had to (swiftly) sell our doublewide for seven thousand bucks, when it was worth at least fifteen thousand. We barely even managed to sell it before the landowners came and claimed everything left on the property as theirs (besides that, now they're suing my mother and brother for five thousand dollars each). So we pretty much had five grand to buy a home with and two thousand to move it to our new place.. And at least some of you know what kind of home you can buy outright for five thousand dollars (the rest of you probably didn't realize you could find one that cheap, period)..

The assholes who owned this place before us messed up the door knobs, messed up the wiring (hence the breaker), punched holes in the walls, allowed their kids (probably) to run free and wild with a staple gun and attack the walls and floor, and they also trapped who knows how many damn animals in this house, to where shit and piss were smeared into the carpet so bad that two hours of steam cleaning one spot didn't clear it even though it was sucking sludge out anyway. We had hoped that we'd get some inheritance from my grandmother (dad's mom, and my last remaining grandparent) passing, which we were going to use to repair the walls and floors, and also re-carpet this disgusting hellhole. But we didn't get any inheritance. And don't think that my nephew shouldn't be here. He's got his own room, and we make sure he has plenty to eat (even though we starve to do it.). His slimy asshole of a mom lived with us (leeched off us) for a while, and poisons him against us every chance she can get when she knows exactly how we are. She married a weak-willed rich guy who she abuses, and in turn he abuses my nephew (they have two other kids between them, and he hates my nephew for being a symbol of the past). They whip him daily for the slightest disobedience and then bitch at us that we never punish him. Fact is, he never does anything to get punished over. He's the best kid I know, and his scaly mom knows damn well we've got nothing but the best intentions for him. She's just found out that we're on the raw edge of losing everything and all she can see is that its time to hit em hard, take even more!

I'm worried pretty bad about my mom (and brother, for that matter), committing suicide. Our lives have never ever been easy, but my mom has stood tough against all of it up until now. She hates it here. She hates this house. She hates this town. She hates that dad is gone. She hates that every time we can get even a miniscule burden off our shoulders that at least two more come crashing down. The custody agreement states that my nephew is to have his own room at all times, so mom gave him hers while he's here. She sleeps in her car now. And his mom doesn't give a shit. Doesn't care that my mom is depressed and just sick. Doesn't care that my dad died suddenly and left us with nothing but bills and a void (if he were here he would have patched all the holes, and he knew plenty about wiring repair too). And I doubt you care, either, faceless people reading this.

If my mom kills herself, I suppose I'd follow. I don't want to, but if mom truly thought it was the only way, who am I to question? She's a great many times more valuable than I am, in every way, and she's the only stable sane person I have left. She's the only one I've ever seen put the dire needs of others above her own comfort.

This is a disgusting world. This is Hideous America, as I've titled this blog. I've got a not-yet activated indiegogo campaign (not activated because you have to have a "verified" PayPal account, but to get verified they deposit a random amount less than a dollar and you, in turn, tell them the amount, and you're verified! Too bad them withdrawing the money out would overdraft my negative bank account and cost me thirty bucks in fees) called "The Rich Aren't Good, And The Good Aren't Rich", basically just to prove that not one single (Christian) American will help a stranger unless there is a natural disaster or horrific murder (publicity) attached. That depsite "do unto others" and "love thy neighbor", they're all just going to church as part of their self-image, their community image. I'm sure plenty of you that have read this consider yourselves good God-fearing folks that'll lend a hand where needed, but you didn't once think "Christ, I need to send this guy a message. I need to save him." All the while the Billy Graham fund has a four hundred million dollar surplus they sit on top of and idolize. I wrote the Billy Graham folks, and I begged. Shame and pride aside, I begged and begged for forgiveness and even a thin scrap of help. Even pointed out that the Bible says to go the extra distance to protect widows, and I didn't even get a "We feel so bad for you! Keep praying and stay strong, life will work out. God has a plan." If He has a plan, its time for it to come alive. If He has a plan for me, its to show you all how awful life can be, and how lucky you are not to be me.

I didn't get a response. Same as this blog. So don't count yourself holy, or saved, because none of you are. You're either blind and uncaring, or you're just as pathetic as we are.